Be so mindful. Do I assume that all people are manipulative and therefore, I'm going to read that into everything my metamours do? That can be really hard, but that's one of probably the most valuable lessons I've learned. Dedeker:It's just a lot more of obfuscating the scenario and creating more diversions away from there being direct communication between the two of you. I read it and I'm like, "I can't see if the part that's like-- [crosstalk] they just said, they're going to be late to like coffee. Webcomebacks for when someone says you have no brain. Donald Trump has been charged with 34 felony counts. It's like, "Don't fall into the trap of letting it be you against them. If you find one please let us know at info@multiamory.com and we will fix it ASAP. The first scenario is going to be the one in which you do not like your metamour, or your partner's friend or your partner's mother or whatever. We've touched upon the subject definitely many, many times over the course of many episodes. quotes along dont sister quotesgram collect later sisters Even if you don't trust them to make good decisions, you still have to trust them to make the decisions anyway. But just remember that. There are things you can speak up, you can express concern for their safety without judgment, doesn't have to be a judgment of them staying in the relationship or being with this person, but it is okay to speak up and express that you are concerned about them and about what's going on in the relationship. when metamours don't get along We don't have like just do this. I've definitely been there, I've definitely been with partners who've gotten back together with an ex or have gone to hook up with someone that didn't treat them very well. If your metamour is comfortable disrespecting their The F1 season resumes on April 30 with the Azerbaijan Grand Prix at the Baku City Circuit. Our full transcript is available on this episode's page on multiamory.com. I don't mean that to be anything against you. It's a challenging one. I think it's important in those instances also to try to figure out what your own opinion of that person is, regardless of what other people may think. Even that, even if you have heard these things, even that's not 100% like, yes, this person is bad. 
What does get along expression mean? This can be really tricky but basically, the idea is to just purely state what you observed rather than it being, "Hey, you're ignoring me on social media," or, "Hey, you were really rude to me at that party," or whatever. Crap, what's the URL? Even if you don't trust them to make good decisions, you still have to trust them to make the decisions anyway. I'm not supposed to feel insecure. Jase:That's interesting to think about that too of like, or does this person remind me of some aspect of myself that I don't like. The housemate pretty much keeps to himself anyway. Additionally, some partners might make it a point not to meet metamours until youve been together for at least a few months. It makes us more likely to be featured in the noteworthy section in Apple Podcasts. Dedeker:As of this moment that we're recording, we're on the cusp. This episode of the Multiamory podcast is brought to you by Quip modern oral care delivered. I went and used our own promo code, tryquip.com/multiamory and I ordered a Quip for my mom for her birthday, which is shortly after Christmas and she got it. If that's something that they and I are going to talk about, let us do that, please don't be the go-between, please don't try to relay messages between us. If you're happy with the same old ways of dating--. Just started from that place, I was like, "No, that's totally fine." I think the last time we actually did an episode fully dedicated to this was Episode 55, which is many, many moons ago. :-) Includes Discord benefits. If there's special events or special things that you want to do, we can communicate about that so that we're not both competing for making plans on the same days or something." theo chocolate mission statement / powerfaids conference 2022 / when metamours don't get along. Is it about thoughts I have about my partner?" Dedeker:Or the mending of it may look like them deciding, we can't have any connection with each other. It's definitely a hard place to live and I think it can manifest as just like a dislike of this person that you know cause some harm to your partner in the past. It's easy to get lost in just, "All I'm doing is damage control. That's why it can be important to get a third party or get an objective opinion of some kind to talk about what's going on between you and your metamour or like what's going on within you in your dislike of this person. This happens all the time where people will be like, "My metamour texted me this and I think that it totally shows that they're being really mean and really nasty and really selfish, but what do you all think?". Things won't always go perfect, so we cover ways on how to properly deal with them and communicate with your partner about it too. Dedeker:Well, that is a thing that Jase was saying that on the other side of things that we can see these idyllic kitchen table poly situations where like, no one's feeling jealous and no one's feeling secure. Dedeker:Why disliking metamours or having metamours dislike you. I'm way too much of an evolved poly person to do that. What we're trying to say is that this episode will have something for everyone, regardless of whether you're in a relationship with multiple metamours or not. Thats where metamour becomes a handy word: 1 The mour part denotes love or intimacy like paramour or thats amor! 2 Meta denotes a broader perspective, a systems view that takes more than just a dyad (the atomic unit of interpersonal More I think a lot of people get a little parental with their partners sometimes. Emily:It does happen and it's awesome and then also just talking loudly to my coworkers about the podcasts and then people are like, "What? Then the thing I think that's really interesting about it, and I find this more and more with a lot of things within polyamory and non-monogamy is that we end up with these sorts of relationships in these situations that seem very unique. If someone has a reputation for treating others badly, I think that then you need to get into some sub-questions, some subcategories of questionof like, "Okay, was that something that I heard from someone else? I can hold a solid sixth place in both arenas, I believe. However, there are some particular things to this scenario that will be helpful. 
Emily:Initially, listen and support both of your partners for sure, be there for them in as best a way as you can. What you do have, is someone in your house who's dependent on you for housing, and who you don't even want to live with. That could be very easy to fall into this competitive thing of like, "He's worked on a bigger film than I have or right, he works in 3D and I don't as much or something like that." We've talked about this in the past in terms of like the different ways that people argue or the different ways that people debate or make decisions together. It made me feel really good for patronizing them. Multiamory is created and produced by Jase Lindgren, Dedeker Winston and me Emily Matlack. If that's something that they and I are going to talk about, let us do that, please don't be the go-between, please don't try to relay messages between us. WebThe most common definition of kitchen table polyamory (KTP) is a polyamorous setup where everyone in a polycule is on friendly enough terms that they can share a meal or have a cup of coffee at the kitchen table. It's definitely a hard place to live and I think it can manifest as just like a dislike of this person that you know cause some harm to your partner in the past. Metamour relations are a form of improv sometimes hilarious, sometimes awkward, sometimes painful, sometimes glorious. That was arguably the best feeling venting, was just having someone who has no stake, that I can literally- comparatively play the poor baby game that they talked about the ethical slut. That definitely is a helpful thing to put out there. Now we're moving on to scenario C, which is where you are the person in the middle, where both of your partners are having trouble getting along or one doesn't like the other and you are stuck in the middle of this. I'll try to mention that to them and see if they can calm down about it or something". Everyone has different sensitive topics or actions that will be difficult for them to process, and We should have a say in the people we live with. It doesn't mean that you're okay to just sit there and listen to one of your partner's just trash-talk the other partner, or insult them or call them names or whatever. But if you already have two or more, and your cats dont get along, there are a couple of options. We want to hear it all. If you are having an issue with a metamour. This is huge, this is so huge, which is why it's number one on our list here, is right from the start, don't-- it's going to happen a little bit, it just will, that's how humans work, but don't let that become the norm, don't let that become a thing you rely on or a thing that becomes their full-time job. I sent them an email because I was already having to figure out like, "Okay, I got to change the address on the subscription, but they already sent one out. Dedeker:I guess this idea of giving this person a chance, this feels like such a thing that's like so case specific and it's hard to give broad advice but it seems like I would think that if it's a thing where you've only heard rumors maybe or you just heard gossip, maybe trying to give a chance. It makes us more likely to be featured in the noteworthy section in Apple Podcasts. We hear those stories and I think sometimes can feel very guilty or feel very bad if that's not the experience we're having. That this is, if you love this person and want to be with this person, part of what comes with that is trusting them to make their own decisions and having their own life. If there's special events or special things that you want to do, we can communicate about that so that we're not both competing for making plans on the same days or something." Lots of twins dont get along. Maybe they were feeling angry about this thing," and you're like, "Why would they be angry about that thing?" You still have to advocate for your own needs as the partner in the middle of what is it that you need from each relationship but sometimes that happens and that is their decision. Now, we've definitely seen a lot of these scenarios where it's like, maybe your metamour is straight-up being hostile toward you or saying hurtful things to you or it's just really not a pleasant interaction or a harmful interaction, if anything. We hear those stories and I think sometimes can feel very guilty or feel very bad if that's not the experience we're having. For most people, they're like, that's a super unique thing that doesn't really exist anywhere else. Yes, I think that goes a really way. jennifer hageney accident; joshua elliott halifax ma obituary; abbey gift shop and visitors center I don't think it's because I think I've seen some people their dislike of their metamour or the issue they have with their metamour, maybe something that is more complex than just I feel insecure around them but maybe that's wrapped up in it. With all of this, the last thing we just want to reiterate that it's not about you. Take care of yourself, your purpose in this relationship isn't just to run around trying to appease everyone else. ", I guess this idea of giving this person a chance, this feels like such a thing that's like so case specific and it's hard to give broad advice but it seems like I would think that if it's a thing where you've only heard rumors maybe or you just heard gossip, maybe trying to give a chance. Those are all factors going on and that's so much more of it's about them and not about you, and this one can be hard. If you want to stay with these two people, then some understanding there is perhaps needed in those moments. I've just found my life is a lot happier by not worrying about that and being like, "That's awesome." interpol officer salary; crain and son funeral home obituaries; when is an appraisal ordered in the loan process Anyway, I guess that that letting go at like, for example, right now, I have a metamour who even works in the same industry that I do. It's really easy for it to be a self-perpetuating cycle, it's really easy. Or like I mentioned earlier, is it assumptions that I make about what all men or all women are or whomever, all people are like that my partner's dating? Or perhaps one of your metamours doesn't like you and you feel stuck in the middle. I think just another reminder is that if you find yourself caught in this scenario, be compassionate to yourself. We've talked about this in the past in terms of like the different ways that people argue or the different ways that people debate or make decisions together. I can't be a dick to this person because they are being really understanding of me in this moment and that means something." Kind of the same caveats that we gave at the beginning, that it's like you really want to avoid trying to make your partner into the middleman or into the mouthpiece or the interpreter or the go-between. In these very tight-knit communities of non-monogamous, just any type of people that even friend communities that know each other quite well, sometimes there are these moments where people get gossiped about and it's shitty, it's not okay in my opinion at all. Have you had any issues with it? Dedeker:Because we do have such a long precedence of when you get into a relationship with somebody or when you marry somebody or whatever, you inherit all that person's relationships as well their existing relationships, as well as any new relationships. Well, I'm working in optioning it to the Hallmark Channel now. Have you just broken up with people over it? It is okay to limit your interactions with your metamour. If your partners don't get along with each other, don't force them to. That I do think there is some value in that, because I think sometimes people don't realize it. Maybe to them they're like, "I had terrible nausea that night." Emily:I don't know things but you equate, you hold your own for sure. I know there's that theory floating around and this is a theory that's floating around like outside of the polyamory non-monogamy sphere but this idea that, if you meet someone and you don't like them it's because they reflect back to you some qualities of yourself that you don't like. Emily:You know what? You know what? Let me tell you, there's definitely people that I've known in the communities that I consider that I'm connected to where it's like if someone that I knew started dating this person, I would definitely be like, "I don't know, red flags, heard some really bad things about this person or have seen this person treat other people really badly." Keep your eyes peeled. Today, we cover some of the struggles you might face in your polyamorous relationship(s). As some of you know, my mom and my parents lost everything in the campfire at that wiped out the entire town of Paradise in November and I realized, "She lost her Quip. Okay, so I guess I got to figure out another Quip for mom." Either your own ones that you do and that you have or your own ones that you've internalized about the way that all men are or all women are or something like that. Emily:Totally. Just do not fall into the trap of making it a you against them, because that's not going to work out better for you in any way. I understand your sentiment behind it but I don't think that's going to be very well received? Dedeker:I've seen Emily a little bit teary. Jase:You have no desire to improve your romantic life, then our podcast might not be for you. I just want to express my dissenting opinion about this one. We're going to end things out on-- We have to cover this because it comes up in the patron group, it's always a question that's asked, and it's, "Okay, but what if I have a problem with my metamour, because I think my metamour is abusing my partner, in some way, either physically abusive, emotionally abusive, verbally abusive, whatever and maybe it's based on, I just think that that's the case, or the behavior that my partner display seems to be the case, or maybe my partner has straight-up told me that this person is abusive, any number of scenarios.". Emily:It's a challenging one. In kitchen table polyamory, metamours get along well and even form deep friendships. The same as having them be the go-between is to slip into the partner having to defend you to each other between the metamours. We just all get along. And instead, It can really make things really a lot worse and potentially dangerous. It's like money zone. Okay, I was home for the holidays. The best place to share your thoughts with other listeners is on this episode's discussion thread on our private Facebook or discourse forums. You can maybe ask them to go grab coffee with you, to go for a walk, to even have a Skype call, especially if they're in a different part of the country from you. rieber hall ucla floor plan; when metamours don't get along. That definitely is a helpful thing to put out there. Jase:Dedeker, Emily, can you talk to us about what does that look like, what's that mean? Webhow much rain did wisconsin dells get yesterday. If you want to stay with these two people, then some understanding there is perhaps needed in those moments. and they're like, "I don't know, maybe it was this." Let it be them against themselves, essentially." Dedeker:I'm going to switch the angle of these this questioning a little bit. The same as having them be the go-between is to slip into the partner having to defend you to each other between the metamours. However, that doesn't necessarily mean that with someone else that experience would be the same. Keeping in mind from scenario A what we've talked about, that they're probably going through all of those things and having to explore those things or maybe not exploring them, but ideally they will. Is it about thoughts I have about my partner?" In addition, you can share with us publicly on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. A "dialogue" is not the same as a monologue. In addition to helping us continue to create new content and new projects, you also get extra rewards and exclusive content and discussions. ", Emily:I'm never going to be as good at languages as the two of you are but that's okay. That's interesting to think about that too of like, or does this person remind me of some aspect of myself that I don't like. Jase:I think that obviously shaming and blaming isn't a great way to go about this. How have you dealt with these scenarios? If they want to talk to me directly they can." Interesting. The reason why that helps is that it helps us show up higher in search results. This is huge, this is so huge, which is why it's number one on our list here, is right from the start, don't-- it's going to happen a little bit, it just will, that's how humans work, but don't let that become the norm, don't let that become a thing you rely on or a thing that becomes their full-time job. It's a good chance for you to check out like, "Am I actually just having some personal insecurities here or do I really find something fundamentally off about my partner's metamour or my partner's partner". Just do not fall into the trap of making it a you against them, because that's not going to work out better for you in any way. Dante A metamour is someone who is your partners partner, but with whom you have no romantic relationship. This can be your partners other boyfriend or girlfriend or your partners spouse. I really appreciate that that person did that thing or that my partner did that with my other partner. Does that mean that, if my partner is into this, how could they also be into me? I don't mean that to be anything against you. Dedeker:Related to that, another question to ask yourself is, is my dislike this person based in the fact that they remind me of someone from my past that I don't like? I think Emily's suggestion as good as love like giving yourself a chance to humanize this person and form your ow. Emily:This episode of the Multiamory podcast is brought to you by Quip modern oral care delivered. Also if you want to spread the word and allow more people to hear this stuff and get this information, one of the best ways you can do that besides actually just sharing it with people and reposting it places, is to take a couple minutes and write us a review on iTunes or on Stitcher. It could be someone like a therapist, it could be a friend who is removed from the situation, doesn't have a stake in the situation but who you trust to be honest with you, even the Patreon group. The next one here is to not be the go-between, don't try to fix things for them. It is okay to have boundaries around how much you will talk to this person or not talk to this person. They were so nice. What boundaries do I need for that? That's life". That's very important for variety of reasons but it also puts your partner in a shitty situation where you're like, "Well, I'm hearing about my loved one in a bad light, my other partner and that blows." While I think maybe there's sometimes value in that question, it is important to remember and I appreciate the two of you for reminding me of this, of being like, "It is their issue not yours." A lot of good stuff in this, this topic comes up so often. Keeping your problems with your twin a secret will not help. What I mean is, rather than feeling like, "Well, they are good at this thing, but I've never really had that much of an interest in or spent that much time on, but like now I've got to be focused on that. PRESS KIT | SITE MAP | PRIVACY POLICY | TERMS OF USE | CONTACT. Dedeker, Emily, can you talk to us about what does that look like, what's that mean? Is there something about the tone of their voice or about the way that they speak or the things that they're interested in or the way that they style themselves that I'm just like, "I had an experience with someone like that once that left a bad taste in my mouth and now, I'm automatically projecting that onto this person". That is really important and an interesting thing to bring up because I think that one could easily be like, "Fuck both of you. As some of you know, my mom and my parents lost everything in the campfire at that wiped out the entire town of Paradise in November and I realized, "She lost her Quip. That's not a unique experience of having a friend who doesn't get along with me, or my partner's friends doesn't get along with me or I don't like them or having trouble getting along with a partner's family or something like that. I sent them an email being like, "This is what happened, my mom lost everything. Things like that. I get to be excited about the fact that he does these things and that he works on these big movies and I don't have to put in the hours involved in working on these movies or whatever it is. That is sad and it's not necessarily ideal. That this is, if you love this person and want to be with this person, part of what comes with that is trusting them to make their own decisions and having their own life.
What does get along expression mean? This can be really tricky but basically, the idea is to just purely state what you observed rather than it being, "Hey, you're ignoring me on social media," or, "Hey, you were really rude to me at that party," or whatever. Crap, what's the URL? Even if you don't trust them to make good decisions, you still have to trust them to make the decisions anyway. I'm not supposed to feel insecure. Jase:That's interesting to think about that too of like, or does this person remind me of some aspect of myself that I don't like. The housemate pretty much keeps to himself anyway. Additionally, some partners might make it a point not to meet metamours until youve been together for at least a few months. It makes us more likely to be featured in the noteworthy section in Apple Podcasts. Dedeker:As of this moment that we're recording, we're on the cusp. This episode of the Multiamory podcast is brought to you by Quip modern oral care delivered. I went and used our own promo code, tryquip.com/multiamory and I ordered a Quip for my mom for her birthday, which is shortly after Christmas and she got it. If that's something that they and I are going to talk about, let us do that, please don't be the go-between, please don't try to relay messages between us. If you're happy with the same old ways of dating--. Just started from that place, I was like, "No, that's totally fine." I think the last time we actually did an episode fully dedicated to this was Episode 55, which is many, many moons ago. :-) Includes Discord benefits. If there's special events or special things that you want to do, we can communicate about that so that we're not both competing for making plans on the same days or something." theo chocolate mission statement / powerfaids conference 2022 / when metamours don't get along. Is it about thoughts I have about my partner?" Dedeker:Or the mending of it may look like them deciding, we can't have any connection with each other. It's definitely a hard place to live and I think it can manifest as just like a dislike of this person that you know cause some harm to your partner in the past. It's easy to get lost in just, "All I'm doing is damage control. That's why it can be important to get a third party or get an objective opinion of some kind to talk about what's going on between you and your metamour or like what's going on within you in your dislike of this person. This happens all the time where people will be like, "My metamour texted me this and I think that it totally shows that they're being really mean and really nasty and really selfish, but what do you all think?". Things won't always go perfect, so we cover ways on how to properly deal with them and communicate with your partner about it too. Dedeker:Well, that is a thing that Jase was saying that on the other side of things that we can see these idyllic kitchen table poly situations where like, no one's feeling jealous and no one's feeling secure. Dedeker:Why disliking metamours or having metamours dislike you. I'm way too much of an evolved poly person to do that. What we're trying to say is that this episode will have something for everyone, regardless of whether you're in a relationship with multiple metamours or not. Thats where metamour becomes a handy word: 1 The mour part denotes love or intimacy like paramour or thats amor! 2 Meta denotes a broader perspective, a systems view that takes more than just a dyad (the atomic unit of interpersonal More I think a lot of people get a little parental with their partners sometimes. Emily:It does happen and it's awesome and then also just talking loudly to my coworkers about the podcasts and then people are like, "What? Then the thing I think that's really interesting about it, and I find this more and more with a lot of things within polyamory and non-monogamy is that we end up with these sorts of relationships in these situations that seem very unique. If someone has a reputation for treating others badly, I think that then you need to get into some sub-questions, some subcategories of questionof like, "Okay, was that something that I heard from someone else? I can hold a solid sixth place in both arenas, I believe. However, there are some particular things to this scenario that will be helpful. Emily:Initially, listen and support both of your partners for sure, be there for them in as best a way as you can. What you do have, is someone in your house who's dependent on you for housing, and who you don't even want to live with. That could be very easy to fall into this competitive thing of like, "He's worked on a bigger film than I have or right, he works in 3D and I don't as much or something like that." We've talked about this in the past in terms of like the different ways that people argue or the different ways that people debate or make decisions together. It made me feel really good for patronizing them. Multiamory is created and produced by Jase Lindgren, Dedeker Winston and me Emily Matlack. If that's something that they and I are going to talk about, let us do that, please don't be the go-between, please don't try to relay messages between us. WebThe most common definition of kitchen table polyamory (KTP) is a polyamorous setup where everyone in a polycule is on friendly enough terms that they can share a meal or have a cup of coffee at the kitchen table. It's definitely a hard place to live and I think it can manifest as just like a dislike of this person that you know cause some harm to your partner in the past. Metamour relations are a form of improv sometimes hilarious, sometimes awkward, sometimes painful, sometimes glorious. That was arguably the best feeling venting, was just having someone who has no stake, that I can literally- comparatively play the poor baby game that they talked about the ethical slut. That definitely is a helpful thing to put out there. Now we're moving on to scenario C, which is where you are the person in the middle, where both of your partners are having trouble getting along or one doesn't like the other and you are stuck in the middle of this. I'll try to mention that to them and see if they can calm down about it or something". Everyone has different sensitive topics or actions that will be difficult for them to process, and We should have a say in the people we live with. It doesn't mean that you're okay to just sit there and listen to one of your partner's just trash-talk the other partner, or insult them or call them names or whatever. But if you already have two or more, and your cats dont get along, there are a couple of options. We want to hear it all. If you are having an issue with a metamour. This is huge, this is so huge, which is why it's number one on our list here, is right from the start, don't-- it's going to happen a little bit, it just will, that's how humans work, but don't let that become the norm, don't let that become a thing you rely on or a thing that becomes their full-time job. I sent them an email because I was already having to figure out like, "Okay, I got to change the address on the subscription, but they already sent one out. Dedeker:I guess this idea of giving this person a chance, this feels like such a thing that's like so case specific and it's hard to give broad advice but it seems like I would think that if it's a thing where you've only heard rumors maybe or you just heard gossip, maybe trying to give a chance. It makes us more likely to be featured in the noteworthy section in Apple Podcasts. We hear those stories and I think sometimes can feel very guilty or feel very bad if that's not the experience we're having. That this is, if you love this person and want to be with this person, part of what comes with that is trusting them to make their own decisions and having their own life. If there's special events or special things that you want to do, we can communicate about that so that we're not both competing for making plans on the same days or something." Lots of twins dont get along. Maybe they were feeling angry about this thing," and you're like, "Why would they be angry about that thing?" You still have to advocate for your own needs as the partner in the middle of what is it that you need from each relationship but sometimes that happens and that is their decision. Now, we've definitely seen a lot of these scenarios where it's like, maybe your metamour is straight-up being hostile toward you or saying hurtful things to you or it's just really not a pleasant interaction or a harmful interaction, if anything. We hear those stories and I think sometimes can feel very guilty or feel very bad if that's not the experience we're having. For most people, they're like, that's a super unique thing that doesn't really exist anywhere else. Yes, I think that goes a really way. jennifer hageney accident; joshua elliott halifax ma obituary; abbey gift shop and visitors center I don't think it's because I think I've seen some people their dislike of their metamour or the issue they have with their metamour, maybe something that is more complex than just I feel insecure around them but maybe that's wrapped up in it. With all of this, the last thing we just want to reiterate that it's not about you. Take care of yourself, your purpose in this relationship isn't just to run around trying to appease everyone else. ", I guess this idea of giving this person a chance, this feels like such a thing that's like so case specific and it's hard to give broad advice but it seems like I would think that if it's a thing where you've only heard rumors maybe or you just heard gossip, maybe trying to give a chance. Those are all factors going on and that's so much more of it's about them and not about you, and this one can be hard. If you want to stay with these two people, then some understanding there is perhaps needed in those moments. I've just found my life is a lot happier by not worrying about that and being like, "That's awesome." interpol officer salary; crain and son funeral home obituaries; when is an appraisal ordered in the loan process Anyway, I guess that that letting go at like, for example, right now, I have a metamour who even works in the same industry that I do. It's really easy for it to be a self-perpetuating cycle, it's really easy. Or like I mentioned earlier, is it assumptions that I make about what all men or all women are or whomever, all people are like that my partner's dating? Or perhaps one of your metamours doesn't like you and you feel stuck in the middle. I think just another reminder is that if you find yourself caught in this scenario, be compassionate to yourself. We've talked about this in the past in terms of like the different ways that people argue or the different ways that people debate or make decisions together. I can't be a dick to this person because they are being really understanding of me in this moment and that means something." Kind of the same caveats that we gave at the beginning, that it's like you really want to avoid trying to make your partner into the middleman or into the mouthpiece or the interpreter or the go-between. In these very tight-knit communities of non-monogamous, just any type of people that even friend communities that know each other quite well, sometimes there are these moments where people get gossiped about and it's shitty, it's not okay in my opinion at all. Have you had any issues with it? Dedeker:Because we do have such a long precedence of when you get into a relationship with somebody or when you marry somebody or whatever, you inherit all that person's relationships as well their existing relationships, as well as any new relationships. Well, I'm working in optioning it to the Hallmark Channel now. Have you just broken up with people over it? It is okay to limit your interactions with your metamour. If your partners don't get along with each other, don't force them to. That I do think there is some value in that, because I think sometimes people don't realize it. Maybe to them they're like, "I had terrible nausea that night." Emily:I don't know things but you equate, you hold your own for sure. I know there's that theory floating around and this is a theory that's floating around like outside of the polyamory non-monogamy sphere but this idea that, if you meet someone and you don't like them it's because they reflect back to you some qualities of yourself that you don't like. Emily:You know what? You know what? Let me tell you, there's definitely people that I've known in the communities that I consider that I'm connected to where it's like if someone that I knew started dating this person, I would definitely be like, "I don't know, red flags, heard some really bad things about this person or have seen this person treat other people really badly." Keep your eyes peeled. Today, we cover some of the struggles you might face in your polyamorous relationship(s). As some of you know, my mom and my parents lost everything in the campfire at that wiped out the entire town of Paradise in November and I realized, "She lost her Quip. Okay, so I guess I got to figure out another Quip for mom." Either your own ones that you do and that you have or your own ones that you've internalized about the way that all men are or all women are or something like that. Emily:Totally. Just do not fall into the trap of making it a you against them, because that's not going to work out better for you in any way. I understand your sentiment behind it but I don't think that's going to be very well received? Dedeker:I've seen Emily a little bit teary. Jase:You have no desire to improve your romantic life, then our podcast might not be for you. I just want to express my dissenting opinion about this one. We're going to end things out on-- We have to cover this because it comes up in the patron group, it's always a question that's asked, and it's, "Okay, but what if I have a problem with my metamour, because I think my metamour is abusing my partner, in some way, either physically abusive, emotionally abusive, verbally abusive, whatever and maybe it's based on, I just think that that's the case, or the behavior that my partner display seems to be the case, or maybe my partner has straight-up told me that this person is abusive, any number of scenarios.". Emily:It's a challenging one. In kitchen table polyamory, metamours get along well and even form deep friendships. The same as having them be the go-between is to slip into the partner having to defend you to each other between the metamours. We just all get along. And instead, It can really make things really a lot worse and potentially dangerous. It's like money zone. Okay, I was home for the holidays. The best place to share your thoughts with other listeners is on this episode's discussion thread on our private Facebook or discourse forums. You can maybe ask them to go grab coffee with you, to go for a walk, to even have a Skype call, especially if they're in a different part of the country from you. rieber hall ucla floor plan; when metamours don't get along. That definitely is a helpful thing to put out there. Jase:Dedeker, Emily, can you talk to us about what does that look like, what's that mean? Webhow much rain did wisconsin dells get yesterday. If you want to stay with these two people, then some understanding there is perhaps needed in those moments. and they're like, "I don't know, maybe it was this." Let it be them against themselves, essentially." Dedeker:I'm going to switch the angle of these this questioning a little bit. The same as having them be the go-between is to slip into the partner having to defend you to each other between the metamours. However, that doesn't necessarily mean that with someone else that experience would be the same. Keeping in mind from scenario A what we've talked about, that they're probably going through all of those things and having to explore those things or maybe not exploring them, but ideally they will. Is it about thoughts I have about my partner?" In addition, you can share with us publicly on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. A "dialogue" is not the same as a monologue. In addition to helping us continue to create new content and new projects, you also get extra rewards and exclusive content and discussions. ", Emily:I'm never going to be as good at languages as the two of you are but that's okay. That's interesting to think about that too of like, or does this person remind me of some aspect of myself that I don't like. Jase:I think that obviously shaming and blaming isn't a great way to go about this. How have you dealt with these scenarios? If they want to talk to me directly they can." Interesting. The reason why that helps is that it helps us show up higher in search results. This is huge, this is so huge, which is why it's number one on our list here, is right from the start, don't-- it's going to happen a little bit, it just will, that's how humans work, but don't let that become the norm, don't let that become a thing you rely on or a thing that becomes their full-time job. It's a good chance for you to check out like, "Am I actually just having some personal insecurities here or do I really find something fundamentally off about my partner's metamour or my partner's partner". Just do not fall into the trap of making it a you against them, because that's not going to work out better for you in any way. Dante A metamour is someone who is your partners partner, but with whom you have no romantic relationship. This can be your partners other boyfriend or girlfriend or your partners spouse. I really appreciate that that person did that thing or that my partner did that with my other partner. Does that mean that, if my partner is into this, how could they also be into me? I don't mean that to be anything against you. Dedeker:Related to that, another question to ask yourself is, is my dislike this person based in the fact that they remind me of someone from my past that I don't like? I think Emily's suggestion as good as love like giving yourself a chance to humanize this person and form your ow. Emily:This episode of the Multiamory podcast is brought to you by Quip modern oral care delivered. Also if you want to spread the word and allow more people to hear this stuff and get this information, one of the best ways you can do that besides actually just sharing it with people and reposting it places, is to take a couple minutes and write us a review on iTunes or on Stitcher. It could be someone like a therapist, it could be a friend who is removed from the situation, doesn't have a stake in the situation but who you trust to be honest with you, even the Patreon group. The next one here is to not be the go-between, don't try to fix things for them. It is okay to have boundaries around how much you will talk to this person or not talk to this person. They were so nice. What boundaries do I need for that? That's life". That's very important for variety of reasons but it also puts your partner in a shitty situation where you're like, "Well, I'm hearing about my loved one in a bad light, my other partner and that blows." While I think maybe there's sometimes value in that question, it is important to remember and I appreciate the two of you for reminding me of this, of being like, "It is their issue not yours." A lot of good stuff in this, this topic comes up so often. Keeping your problems with your twin a secret will not help. What I mean is, rather than feeling like, "Well, they are good at this thing, but I've never really had that much of an interest in or spent that much time on, but like now I've got to be focused on that. PRESS KIT | SITE MAP | PRIVACY POLICY | TERMS OF USE | CONTACT. Dedeker, Emily, can you talk to us about what does that look like, what's that mean? Is there something about the tone of their voice or about the way that they speak or the things that they're interested in or the way that they style themselves that I'm just like, "I had an experience with someone like that once that left a bad taste in my mouth and now, I'm automatically projecting that onto this person". That is really important and an interesting thing to bring up because I think that one could easily be like, "Fuck both of you. As some of you know, my mom and my parents lost everything in the campfire at that wiped out the entire town of Paradise in November and I realized, "She lost her Quip. That's not a unique experience of having a friend who doesn't get along with me, or my partner's friends doesn't get along with me or I don't like them or having trouble getting along with a partner's family or something like that. I sent them an email being like, "This is what happened, my mom lost everything. Things like that. I get to be excited about the fact that he does these things and that he works on these big movies and I don't have to put in the hours involved in working on these movies or whatever it is. That is sad and it's not necessarily ideal. That this is, if you love this person and want to be with this person, part of what comes with that is trusting them to make their own decisions and having their own life.